In this episode of “Say When!”, host Holly Toscanini explores Kara Loewentheil’s new book, Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head and How to Get it Out. Holly discusses the key themes and practical strategies Kara presents for combating internalized sexism and diet culture. From understanding the pervasive influence of societal messages on women’s self-perception to utilizing tools like thought ladders for building self-esteem and confidence, this episode offers valuable insights and actionable steps for reclaiming control over one’s mind and life. Holly also shares personal anecdotes from her coaching practice and highlights the importance of financial empowerment and authentic relationships.

Key Takeaways:

1. Understanding Internalized Sexism: Recognize how societal messages shape self-perception and lead to self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and the relentless pursuit of physical perfection.
2. Diet Culture and Patriarchy: Learn how diet culture, intertwined with patriarchal norms, perpetuates unrealistic beauty standards, undermines self-worth, and creates a cycle of guilt and shame.
3. Practical Steps to Reclaim Body Image: Develop media literacy, embrace body positivity, and join supportive communities to counteract the negative impacts of diet culture and patriarchy.
4. Overcoming Romantic Relationship Challenges: Identify and address societal conditioning that equates worth with romantic success to build authentic, fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect and emotional independence.
5. The Power of Thought Ladders: Utilize thought ladders to shift from negative to positive thoughts gradually, fostering self-acceptance and confidence in various aspects of life, including body image, relationships, and financial empowerment.

Tune in to discover how you can take back your brain and lead a more empowered, confident, and fulfilling life.

Resources:

Take Back Your Brain: https://www.takebackyourbrainbook.com/

School of New Feminist Thought: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/

Un*Fck Your Brain Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unf-ck-your-brain-feminist-self-help-for-everyone/id1229434818

Holly Toscanini’s Resources: https://hollytoscanini.com/resources/

Freedom From Diets Assessment https://hollytoscanini.com/freedom-from-diets-assessment/

 Reclaiming Your Mind: A Deep Dive into Kara Loewentheil’s “Take Back Your Brain”

Introduction:

In today’s episode we’re diving into Kara Loewentheil’s new book, Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head and How to Get it Out. 

This episode is particularly special because, like me, Kara is an advocate for anti-diet culture and feminist coaching. We both believe in the power of self-coaching and using thought ladders to help women change their belief systems and lead happier, more confident lives. You’re gonna want to share this episode with every woman you know.

[music]

Overview of “Take Back Your Brain”:

Welcome to “Say When!” I’m your host, Holly Toscanini, and today, I’m talking about

Kara Loewentheil’s new book, Take Back Your Brain, released on May 21, 2024, is a powerful self-help guide aimed at helping women overcome the internalized social programming instilled by a sexist society. Loewentheil, a master-certified life coach and host of the popular podcast Unfck Your Brain, combines cognitive psychology with feminist theory to offer practical tools and exercises designed to boost self-esteem and confidence.

The book is structured in two main sections. The first, “Reclaim Your Brain,” delves into the unconscious mental and emotional cycles perpetuated by sexist beliefs. It introduces techniques like the “thought ladder,” which helps readers shift from negative thoughts to more neutral or positive ones. The second section, “Reclaim Your Life,” addresses issues such as body image, self-esteem, romantic relationships, and money mindset, grounding each chapter in cultural and social context while providing actionable steps for improvement. Each chapter includes exercises to help you identify and change your negative or limiting beliefs so you can not only take back your brain but also take back your life.

Loewentheil’s approach is particularly noted for its focus on the intersectionality of race, body size, and economic status, acknowledging how these factors further complicate the societal pressures women face. Her writing style is engaging and straightforward, making complex concepts accessible and practical.

The book has received positive reviews from various sources. Publishers Weekly praises it for motivating women to tackle invisible barriers, while BookPage highlights its combination of feminist insights with cognitive-behavioral techniques. Endorsements from notable figures like Mel Robbins and Tori Dunlap underscore its impact and practicality.

Take Back Your Brain is available in various formats, including an eBook and audiobook, the latter narrated by Loewentheil herself. For more details or to purchase, you can visit the show notes page of today’s episode.

Understanding Internalized Sexism:

Let’s start by understanding what internalized sexism is. Kara’s book does a fantastic job of explaining how societal messages infiltrate our minds and shape our self-perception. Internalized sexism is when the sexist messages and beliefs from the society we live in become part of our own thinking. It’s why many of us judge ourselves harshly, feel we’re never enough, or constantly strive to meet unrealistic standards.

In my coaching practice, I see this all the time. Clients often carry the weight of societal expectations about their bodies, roles, and capabilities. For example, a client might believe she’s not worthy of success because she doesn’t fit a certain mold. These beliefs are ingrained, but they can be changed.

Internalized sexism refers to the process by which women absorb and accept the sexist beliefs and attitudes prevalent in society, ultimately applying these harmful standards to themselves and other women. This phenomenon often occurs subconsciously, making it difficult to recognize and even harder to combat. It manifests in various ways, from self-doubt and imposter syndrome to the relentless pursuit of physical perfection.

You might be asking yourself How do Internalized Sexism and Diet Culture Intersect:

Diet culture is one of the most pervasive tools of internalized sexism, deeply rooted in patriarchal ideals that equate a woman’s value with her appearance. Here’s how they work hand in hand to control and manipulate women:

1. Promoting Unrealistic Beauty Standards:

   – Society bombards women with images and messages that define worth based on slimness and beauty. This relentless promotion of unrealistic beauty standards causes women to internalize the belief that they must adhere to these ideals to be valued and accepted.

2. Perpetuating the Myth of Control:

   – Diet culture sells the idea that women can and should control their bodies to fit societal standards. This myth of control is deeply sexist, implying that women’s primary focus should be on their appearance rather than their abilities, talents, or contributions to society.

3. Undermining Self-Worth:

   – By tying self-worth to physical appearance, diet culture ensures that many women constantly feel inadequate and strive for an unattainable ideal. This self-criticism is a direct result of internalized sexism, which teaches women to measure their value by how well they conform to external standards.

4. Creating a Cycle of Guilt and Shame:

   – When women inevitably fail to meet these impossible standards, they often experience guilt and shame. This emotional turmoil reinforces internalized sexism, making women believe that their failure to achieve the “perfect” body is a personal failing rather than a flaw in the standards themselves.

Now that you see how they are similar, it’s crucial to recognize how internalized sexism and diet culture manipulate and control women.

1. Empowerment and Self-Acceptance:

   – Understanding these forces empowers women to reject society’s harmful standards and embrace self-acceptance. When women realize that their worth is not tied to their appearance, they can focus on developing their talents, pursuing their passions, and living fulfilling lives.

2. Mental and Emotional Well-Being:

   – Breaking free from the grip of internalized sexism and diet culture can significantly improve mental and emotional well-being. Women who reject these harmful standards often experience less anxiety, depression, and self-doubt.

3. Creating Positive Role Models:

   – By challenging these toxic beliefs, women can become positive role models for future generations. Showing that self-worth comes from within breaks down the harmful societal beliefs that keep these damaging ideas alive.

4. Building Supportive Communities:

   – Recognizing and discussing the impact of internalized sexism and diet culture helps build supportive communities where women can share their experiences and support each other in the journey toward self-acceptance and empowerment.

Why Women Need to Understand How Diet Culture Works Against Them:

Because Diet culture not only harms individual women but also perpetuates broader societal inequalities. Understanding how diet culture works against women is vital for the following reasons:

1. Rejecting Economic Exploitation:

   – The diet and beauty industries profit enormously from women’s insecurities. By understanding how these industries exploit these insecurities, women can make more informed choices about where to spend their money and how to support businesses that promote genuine well-being.

2. Promoting Health Over Appearance:

   – Recognizing the flaws in diet culture allows women to focus on health and well-being rather than appearance. This shift in focus encourages healthier, more sustainable lifestyle choices that prioritize overall holistic well-being.

3. Advocating for Change:

   – Understanding the systemic nature of diet culture enables women to advocate for broader societal changes. This advocacy can lead to more inclusive and supportive environments that celebrate diversity and promote true self-worth.

4. Fostering Authentic Connections:

   – When women move away from judging themselves and others based on appearance, they can form more authentic and meaningful connections. This fosters a sense of community and mutual support that is essential for personal and collective growth.

Identifying and understanding the interplay between internalized sexism and diet culture is a powerful step toward reclaiming control over our minds and bodies. By rejecting these harmful standards, we can create a society that values women for who they are, not how they look.

Reclaiming Body Image: Understanding the Impact of Diet Culture and Patriarchy:

One of the key topics Kara tackles is body image. In our society, women are bombarded with messages that their worth is tied to their appearance. This is especially true in the context of diet culture. Diet culture, intertwined with patriarchal norms, perpetuates the belief that a woman’s value is directly related to her body size and shape. 

Here’s how diet culture and patriarchy contribute to the development of a poor or negative body image:

It begins with the Media’s Role in creating unrealistic Beauty Standards: Magazines, TV shows, and social media platforms constantly showcase a narrow and often unattainable standard of beauty. This standard is typically thin, young, and conventionally attractive, leaving little room for diversity. Women internalize these ideals, believing that they must look a certain way to be considered beautiful or worthy.

– Photoshopping and Filters: Images in media are frequently edited to erase imperfections and create an illusion of perfection. These manipulated images set unrealistic expectations, causing women to feel inadequate and dissatisfied with their natural appearance.

The marketing tactics of the diet industry: The diet industry thrives on women’s insecurities by promoting weight loss products and programs as the key to happiness and success. Advertisements often depict dramatic “before and after” transformations, suggesting that life is better when one is thinner.

– Fear-Based Messaging: Diet products are marketed with fear-based messages, emphasizing the dangers of being overweight and glorifying thinness. This creates a sense of urgency and pressure to conform to these ideals.

Societal Expectations:

– Patriarchal Norms: Patriarchy enforces gender roles that prioritize a woman’s appearance over her abilities or intelligence. Women are often judged more harshly on their looks compared to men, reinforcing the belief that physical beauty is paramount.

– Objectification: Women’s bodies are frequently objectified in advertisements, films, and other media. This objectification reduces women to their physical appearance, stripping away their humanity and reinforcing the notion that their value lies in how they look.

Here are a few examples of how this could show up:

1. Self-Surveillance: Women often engage in constant self-monitoring, checking their appearance in mirrors or photos, and feeling self-conscious about how they look. This behavior is driven by the internalized belief that they are always being judged.

2. Disordered Eating: The pressure to achieve a certain body type can lead to unhealthy eating behaviors, such as restrictive dieting, binge eating, or purging. These behaviors are harmful and perpetuate the cycle of body dissatisfaction.

3. Low Self-Esteem: Women who do not meet societal beauty standards often experience low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. This can affect their confidence, relationships, and overall well-being.

4. Avoidance of Activities: Many women avoid activities they enjoy or are reluctant to pursue opportunities because they feel their bodies are not “good enough.” This can lead to a diminished quality of life and lost opportunities.

In order to Break Free:

– Media Literacy: Developing critical thinking skills to analyze and question media messages can help women recognize and reject unrealistic beauty standards.

– Body Positivity and Acceptance: Embracing body acceptance and neutrality involves celebrating all body types and focusing on what the body can do rather than how it looks.

– Supportive Communities: Joining or forming supportive communities where body diversity is celebrated can provide encouragement and help women feel less isolated in their struggles. 

Take Back Your Brain offers practical steps to foster body acceptance and confidence.   

By understanding how diet culture and patriarchy contribute to negative body image, women can take steps to reclaim their self-worth and appreciate their bodies for their strength and capabilities, rather than conforming to unrealistic and harmful standards. 

This awareness is the first step towards fostering a more positive relationship with their bodies and leading a more fulfilling life.

Internalized sexism doesn’t just affect how we see ourselves; it also impacts our relationships. Kara discusses how these beliefs can create imbalances and issues in romantic relationships.

In Take Back Your Brain, she states, “Living in a sexist society means that women are taught their entire reason for being revolves around romantic love and sexual attractiveness. And that those are the metrics used to measure their worth and value no matter what else they do. Which means that all of us have absorbed deep conditioning about the importance of love and sex in ways that actually block and distort real connection and desire.”

This explains how patriarchal society conditions women to believe that their worth is primarily tied to their ability to attract and maintain romantic relationships. This deep-seated belief can overshadow other aspects of their identity and achievements, leading to distorted perceptions of love and self-worth.

This is the Impact it can have on Romantic Relationships:

1. Low Self-Esteem: Women may feel unworthy if they are not in a relationship or if they perceive themselves as not attractive enough. This can lead to settling for less than they deserve or staying in toxic relationships for fear of being alone.

2. Inauthentic Relationships: The quest for validation can result in relationships based on external appearances rather than genuine compatibility. Women might suppress their true selves to fit into the mold they believe is required to attract and keep a partner.

3. Emotional Dependency: Internalizing these beliefs can lead to emotional dependency, where a woman’s happiness and self-esteem are tied to her partner’s approval and affection. This dependency can prevent her from developing a strong, independent sense of self.

Steps to Overcome These Challenges:

1. Recognizing Conditioning: The first step is to become aware of the societal conditioning that equates worth with romantic success. Understanding this helps women see that these beliefs are externally imposed rather than intrinsic truths.

2. Building Self-Worth: Focusing on personal achievements, passions, and qualities that are not related to romantic relationships can help build a strong sense of self-worth. Celebrating one’s own strengths and accomplishments fosters a more balanced self-image.

3. Authentic Relationships: Encourage relationships based on mutual respect, shared values, and genuine emotional connection. When entering a relationship, it’s important to consider compatibility beyond physical attraction and societal approval.

4. Emotional Independence: Developing emotional independence means finding fulfillment and happiness within oneself rather than relying on a partner. This independence strengthens personal resilience and contributes to healthier, more balanced relationships.

5. Support Systems: Building a supportive network of friends, family, and communities that affirm a woman’s worth beyond her romantic status can provide valuable reinforcement. These support systems help challenge and counteract societal pressures.

I often work with clients to identify patterns in their relationships that stem from societal conditioning. For instance, feeling the need to always be the caretaker or putting their partner’s needs above their own, also known as being a people pleaser. By recognizing these patterns, we can work towards more balanced and fulfilling relationships.

The Power of Thought Ladders:

Thought ladders are one of the most effective tools for changing these ingrained beliefs. In Take Back Your Brain, Kara introduces the thought ladder as a way to shift from negative to more neutral or positive thoughts gradually. This tool can be used to reclaim your body image, cultivate self-esteem and confidence, overcome relationship issues, change your money mindset, and manage your time. I use this tool myself and with all my clients.

Here’s how it works:

– Identify a negative thought: For instance, “I am not good enough.”

– Find a slightly less negative thought: Move to something like, “Sometimes, I do things well.”

– Progress to a neutral thought: Aim for thoughts like, “I am capable of doing things well.”

– Reach for positive thoughts: Ultimately, arrive at, “I am good enough and worthy.”

This process is gradual and requires consistent practice, but it’s transformative. I use a similar approach with my clients, guiding them through each step and celebrating their progress.

Rebecca’s Journey with Thought Ladders: From Discomfort to Confidence:

Step 1: Identifying the Negative Thought

Rebecca’s starting thought: “I don’t feel comfortable in my bigger body.”

Rebecca has struggled with her body image for years, influenced by diet culture and societal expectations. Her negative self-talk has been a significant barrier to her confidence and well-being.

Step 2: Finding a Slightly Less Negative Thought

Next step thought: “Sometimes, I can accept my body the way it is.”

This thought is not yet positive, but it’s a small step away from the negativity. It acknowledges that there are moments when Rebecca feels more accepting, even if they’re fleeting.

Step 3: Reaching a Neutral Thought

Neutral thought: “My body is what it is right now.”

This thought is neutral and factual, without emotional judgment. It’s a significant shift from the initial discomfort because it moves Rebecca away from negative feelings toward a more objective view.

Step 4: Moving Toward a Positive Thought

Positive thought: “My body deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.”

By focusing on kindness and respect, Rebecca begins to cultivate a more positive relationship with her body. This thought helps her to practice self-care and appreciate her body for what it does, rather than how it looks.

Step 5: Achieving the Goal Thought

Goal thought: “I am comfortable and confident no matter what size my body is.”

Through practice and reinforcement, Rebecca reaches a thought that embodies confidence and self-acceptance. This thought reflects her inner strength and the belief that her worth is not tied to her body size.

Practical Steps Rebecca Took Along the Way:

Now this didn’t happen overnight,

– Daily Practice: Rebecca repeated her evolving thoughts daily, reinforcing her progress.

– Mindfulness Practices: She engaged in mindfulness exercises to stay present and reduce negative self-judgment.

– Journaling: Rebecca kept a journal to track her thoughts and feelings, celebrating small victories and acknowledging setbacks.

– Support System: She sought support from her coaching sessions, friends, and online communities focused on body acceptance.

– Self-Care Activities: Rebecca engaged in activities that made her feel good, like spending time outdoors, which helped her appreciate her body’s capabilities.

Rebecca’s journey illustrates the power of thought ladders in transforming deeply ingrained negative beliefs. By gradually shifting her mindset, she moved from discomfort to a place of comfort and confidence, showing that change is possible with patience and practice. This process not only helped her feel better about her body but also empowered her to live a more fulfilling life, free from the constraints of diet culture and societal expectations.

Kara addresses the importance of financial empowerment and changing limiting beliefs around money. Money is another area where women often face internalized barriers. Beliefs like “I’m not good with money” or “I don’t deserve to be financially successful” are common. In my coaching, we work on shifting these beliefs to more empowering ones, such as “I am capable of managing my finances” and “I deserve to be financially successful.” Financial empowerment is crucial for overall independence and confidence.

Her book also beautifully intersects feminist theory and mental health. It highlights the importance of addressing societal influences on mental well-being and provides tools for reclaiming mental health through a feminist lens. I want to emphasize the importance of recognizing how patriarchal systems impact women’s mental health. Understanding this helps in developing strategies to counteract these influences and promote mental well-being.

Take Back Your Brain is a powerful resource for any woman looking to reclaim her mind and life from the grips of societal conditioning. Kara Loewentheil’s insights and strategies align beautifully with the anti-diet, feminist coaching I embrace in my practice and in my personal life. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to enhance their self-confidence, body acceptance, and overall mental well-being.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Have you read Take Back Your Brain? What are your experiences with internalized sexism and how have you worked to overcome it? Share your stories with me on social media or by contacting me through my website at hollytoscanini.com.

If you’re interested in diving deeper into these topics and working on them in a supportive environment, visit my website, https://hollytoscanini.com/resources/, for great free resources and more information about my programs and services. Including my Freedom From Diets: Body Image Breakthrough Assessment. After taking the assessment you’ll receive a personalized video coaching session from me delivered straight to your inbox. This is a great first step to discovering more about your mindset, eating patterns, body image, and self-trust. Think of it as coaching without the commitment. 

Thank you for tuning in. If you enjoyed today’s podcast, be sure to like it and leave a review. And remember, you have the power to reclaim your mind and your life. Until next time, this is Holly Toscanini if you’ve had enough, it’s time to “Say When!”