Today, we’re digging into a topic that hits home for so many of us—the myths and half-truths we’ve been fed about our bodies for way too long.
I’m going to expose the beauty standards that have shaped our perception and warped our sense of self-worth. But here’s the good part: we’re not just pointing out the problems, we’re talking about how to break free from these toxic narratives once and for all.
So, grab your favorite drink, settle in, and let’s dive into how we can reclaim our bodies from the lies, and start embracing who we truly are. This conversation could be a game-changer.
Welcome to another empowering episode of Say When! I’m your host, Holly Toscanini, and as always, I’m thrilled to have you here. Whether you’re tuning in for the first time or you’re a regular listener, thank you for joining me today on this journey toward self-discovery and radical self-love.
Today, we’re digging into the core ideas from two powerful books that have inspired so much of my work: The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf and The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor.
These books have helped countless women, including myself, to question societal norms, reject toxic beauty standards, and embark on a journey of radical self-love and body acceptance. My goal for this episode is to provide you with some of the insights, tools, and encouragement you need to start or continue your own journey.
This first book really opened my eyes to the ways in which society has been using beauty as a weapon against women. I’m talking about Naomi Wolf’s groundbreaking work, The Beauty Myth. This book was first published back in 1990, but its message is just as relevant—if not more so—today as it was then.
In The Beauty Myth, Wolf argues that as women have gained more power and independence in society, the standards of beauty have become more oppressive. It’s like society realized that it couldn’t control women through legal or economic means as easily anymore, so it turned to something deeply personal: our appearance. The book exposes how these impossible standards of beauty are used to undermine women’s confidence and keep us focused on our looks instead of our accomplishments.
Wolf talks about the historical roots of these beauty standards, showing how they’ve been shaped by patriarchal societies to keep women in a perpetual state of inadequacy. Whether it’s through media, advertising, or even the workplace, the message has been consistent: you’re not good enough unless you look a certain way. And of course, that ‘certain way’ is often unattainable, reserved for the few, and constantly shifting so that even those who try to conform can never quite get there.
This societal pressure isn’t just about looking good—it’s about keeping women distracted, anxious, and ultimately powerless. The energy we could be spending on pursuing our dreams, making our voices heard, or even just enjoying our lives, gets siphoned away into worrying about our appearance. It’s a powerful, insidious way to keep us in check, and it’s something that affects every woman, regardless of her background or achievements.
I’d like to share a personal story from one of my clients, Christie, that illustrates the impact of these beauty standards. Christie is an accomplished woman—successful in her career, loved by her friends and family—but she’s spent most of her life feeling like she was never quite ‘enough’ because of her body.
Christie told me about a time in her late thirties when she had just been promoted to a senior position at work. It was a moment that should have been filled with pride and celebration, but instead, she found herself fixated on her appearance. She had gained some weight over the years, and she was constantly comparing herself to the younger, thinner women she saw in magazines and on TV. Despite her professional success, she felt unworthy—like she hadn’t really earned her achievements because she didn’t look the part.
This obsession with her body image started to consume her. She began to doubt her abilities at work, feeling like she didn’t deserve to be in the room with her colleagues. She even started avoiding social situations because she was embarrassed about how she looked. All of this because she was measuring herself against an impossible standard of beauty—one that had nothing to do with who she really was or what she had accomplished.
It wasn’t until Christie began to understand where these feelings were coming from—how they were rooted in societal pressures and not in any actual truth about her worth—that she started to let go of those negative thoughts. She realized that her body wasn’t the problem; the problem was the unrealistic and harmful standards she had been taught to believe in.
Christie’s story is one that so many of us can relate to, isn’t it? We’ve all felt that pressure to fit into a certain mold, to look a certain way, even when it’s clear that the standard is unattainable and, frankly, unfair. And it’s easy to see how this focus on appearance can overshadow everything else we have to offer.
So, I want to invite you to take a moment and reflect on your own experiences.
Have you ever found yourself doubting your worth because of your appearance?
Maybe you’ve avoided opportunities, held yourself back, or even criticized yourself because you didn’t measure up to some external standard of beauty. It’s okay to acknowledge those feelings—they’re real, and they’ve been ingrained in us for a long time.
As we move through this episode, I hope you’ll keep these reflections in mind and start to challenge those standards. Remember, this isn’t just about recognizing the problem; it’s about finding ways to break free from it and embrace a more authentic and loving relationship with your body.
Now that we’ve unpacked some of the ways society has tried to keep us locked into these limiting beauty standards, I want to shift our focus to a powerful tool that can help us break free from these chains. It’s a concept that Sonya Renee Taylor beautifully articulates in her transformative book, The Body Is Not An Apology. This book is all about reclaiming our bodies through what Taylor calls ‘radical self-love.’
So, what exactly is radical self-love? According to Taylor, it’s more than just liking what you see in the mirror or feeling confident in a new outfit. Radical self-love is about fully embracing and loving your body in all its forms—without conditions, exceptions, or reservations. It’s a deep, transformative love that extends beyond self-esteem and self-acceptance to a place where you understand that your worth is not tied to your appearance, your achievements, or anyone else’s opinion of you.
Taylor argues that the reason many of us struggle with body acceptance is because we’ve been taught to settle for less. Conventional notions of self-esteem often encourage us to boost our confidence by focusing on our strengths or achievements. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it can still leave us vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy when we don’t measure up in other areas. Radical self-love, on the other hand, says that we are worthy simply because we exist, and that our bodies—regardless of size, shape, color, or ability—are deserving of love and respect exactly as they are.
This approach is particularly important because it not only challenges the idea that our worth is based on how we look, but it also acknowledges the intersectionality of our identities. Taylor emphasizes that radical self-love is about rejecting the societal messages that tell us we’re not enough because we’re not thin enough, young enough, white enough, able-bodied enough, or any of the other ‘enoughs’ that we’re bombarded with.
To help you start embracing radical self-love, I’d like to share a simple but powerful exercise that you can try today. It’s called the Mirror Exercise, and it’s something I recommend doing regularly, especially when you’re feeling down about your body.
Here’s how it works: Find a mirror and stand in front of it. Take a deep breath and look at your reflection. If looking at your entire body feels like too much, it’s perfectly okay to focus on one part of your body or face at a time. As you look at yourself, try to focus on what your body does for you, rather than how it looks. Think about how your legs carry you through the day, how your hands allow you to create and connect, how your heart keeps you alive and thriving. Then, look into your own eyes and say out loud, ‘My body is not an apology. My body is worthy of love, exactly as it is.’ Repeat this several times, allowing the words to sink in.
In addition to this exercise, I want to share two affirmations that you can use throughout your day to reinforce this mindset:
- I am enough, just as I am. My worth is not defined by my appearance, but by the love and kindness I bring into the world.
- I choose to honor and love my body, not in spite of its imperfections, but because of them—they make me uniquely me.
These affirmations are simple yet powerful reminders that your value is intrinsic and not contingent on meeting any external standard.
So, why is it so important for us to incorporate radical self-love into our daily lives? The benefits are truly transformative. First and foremost, radical self-love frees us from the constant cycle of self-judgment and comparison. When you embrace this mindset, you stop measuring your worth by how you stack up against others or some arbitrary standard. Instead, you begin to see yourself as whole, complete, and worthy of love just as you are.
This shift can lead to profound changes in how you live your life. When you practice radical self-love, you start to prioritize your well-being—not because you’re trying to achieve a certain look, but because you genuinely care about yourself. This means making choices that nurture your body, mind, and spirit, whether that’s eating nourishing foods, engaging in joyful movement, setting healthy boundaries, or simply allowing yourself to rest without guilt.
For women, in particular, radical self-love can be a powerful act of resistance. It’s a way of reclaiming our bodies from the societal narratives that have told us we’re not good enough. By choosing to love ourselves unconditionally, we’re saying no to the messages that have tried to diminish us, and yes to our own power, our own voice, and our own truth.
Incorporating radical self-love into your daily life doesn’t happen overnight—it’s a journey, and like any journey, it’s made up of small, consistent steps. But I can promise you this: the more you practice, the more you’ll start to see the beauty and strength that has always been within you, just waiting to be recognized.
As inspiring and empowering as the concept of radical self-love is, I know that it’s not always easy to embrace it in our daily lives. Many of us face significant obstacles—both internal and external—that can make it challenging to fully accept and love our bodies. So, let’s talk about some of these barriers and how we can start to break them down.
First, let’s look inward at the internal obstacles we often face. One of the most common is negative self-talk. You know, that little voice inside your head that criticizes everything about you, from your appearance to your abilities. It’s the voice that tells you you’re not good enough, that you need to lose weight, that you should look a certain way to be valued.
This negative self-talk doesn’t just come out of nowhere—it’s usually a result of internalized biases we’ve absorbed over time. These biases are the beliefs and attitudes we’ve picked up from society, family, and even our own experiences that tell us certain bodies are more worthy than others. When we internalize these messages, they become a part of how we see ourselves, often leading to feelings of inadequacy, shame, and self-doubt.
But here’s the thing: that negative voice is not the truth. It’s a learned behavior, and like any behavior, it can be unlearned. The first step is to recognize when you’re engaging in negative self-talk. Pay attention to the words you use when you think about yourself, and challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, ‘Is this really true? Or is this just something I’ve been taught to believe?’ Over time, you can start to replace those negative thoughts with more compassionate, loving ones.
Now, let’s talk about the external pressures that can make body acceptance so difficult. We live in a world that constantly bombards us with images and messages about what we’re supposed to look like. Whether it’s through social media, advertising, or even the well-meaning comments of friends and family, we’re constantly being told that our value is tied to our appearance.
The media, in particular, plays a huge role in shaping our perceptions of beauty. We’re shown a very narrow definition of what is considered attractive—often, it’s thin, young, and Eurocentric—and anything outside of that is seen as less desirable. These unrealistic standards can lead to a sense of inadequacy and drive us to strive for a body that doesn’t reflect who we really are.
But just like with internalized biases, we have the power to push back against these external pressures. One strategy is to curate your media consumption—be mindful of the content you’re exposing yourself to. Follow social media accounts that promote body diversity and positivity, and unfollow those that make you feel bad about yourself. You can also choose to support brands and media outlets that celebrate all bodies, not just a select few.
It’s also important to set boundaries with those around you. If someone in your life is contributing to the pressure you feel about your body—whether intentionally or not—don’t be afraid to have a conversation with them about how their words or actions are affecting you. You deserve to be surrounded by people who uplift you, not tear you down.
So, how do we counteract these negative influences and start to build a more positive, loving relationship with our bodies? Here are a few actionable strategies you can start using today:
- Practice Mindful Self-Talk: As I mentioned earlier, start by paying attention to your internal dialogue. When you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, pause and reframe those thoughts into something more compassionate. For example, if you find yourself thinking, ‘I hate my thighs,’ try replacing it with, ‘My thighs are strong and help me move through the world.’
- Create a Media Detox Plan: Take some time to evaluate the media you consume. If you notice certain accounts, shows, or magazines make you feel worse about your body, consider taking a break from them. Instead, seek out content that uplifts and empowers you. There’s a growing community of body-positive influencers and content creators who are challenging the status quo and celebrating all bodies—tap into that!
- Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people who support your journey toward body acceptance. This could be friends, family, or even online communities that share your values. Having a network of supportive individuals can make all the difference when you’re feeling vulnerable or discouraged.
To illustrate how powerful these strategies can be, I want to share a testimonial from one of my clients, Rachel. Rachel, like many of us, struggled for years with body acceptance. She was caught in a cycle of negative self-talk, constantly comparing herself to others, and feeling like she could never measure up.
Rachel told me about a time when she almost backed out of a big presentation at work because she was so anxious about how she looked. She was worried about being judged—not for her skills or her knowledge, but for her appearance. This anxiety had held her back in many areas of her life, from her career to her relationships.
But Rachel made a decision to change. She started by practicing mindful self-talk, catching herself in those moments of negativity and consciously choosing to speak to herself with kindness. She also took a media detox, unfollowing accounts that made her feel less than and replacing them with content that celebrated all kinds of beauty.
Over time, Rachel noticed a shift. She began to feel more confident, not just in her body, but in her abilities and her worth as a person. She went on to give that presentation at work, and it was a huge success. But more importantly, she did it feeling proud of who she was, inside and out. Rachel’s journey wasn’t about changing her body; it was about changing her mindset. And that’s something we can all do.
Now that we’ve talked about overcoming the obstacles that stand in the way of body acceptance, I want to shift our focus to something really empowering—embracing and celebrating our bodies. This is where we move beyond simply accepting ourselves and step into a space of genuine love, joy, and appreciation for everything our bodies do for us.
One of the most beautiful and liberating things we can do on this journey is to find ways to express and celebrate our bodies creatively. When we let go of the idea that our bodies need to look a certain way to be valued, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. Your body is your own—it’s unique, it’s powerful, and it deserves to be honored in a way that feels authentic to you.
Creative expression can take so many forms, and it doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s about finding what makes you feel alive, connected, and joyful in your body. Maybe that’s through art, dance, fashion, or even just the way you carry yourself throughout the day. The key is to engage in activities that allow you to celebrate your body, not as an object to be judged, but as a living, breathing, dynamic part of who you are.
Another important aspect of celebrating our bodies is through movement—but not in the way we’ve often been taught to think about it. So many of us have had our relationship with movement tainted by the idea that exercise is something we have to do to lose weight or change our appearance. But when we shift our perspective, we can begin to see movement as something joyful, something that connects us to our bodies in a positive, life-affirming way.
Joyful movement is all about engaging in physical activities that make you feel good—not because you’re trying to burn calories or achieve a specific goal, but because it brings you pleasure and a sense of well-being. It could be dancing around your living room, taking a leisurely walk in nature, trying out a new yoga routine, or anything else that makes you feel connected to your body.
When we move our bodies with joy and intention, we start to experience them in a new light. Movement becomes a way to celebrate what our bodies can do, rather than focusing on what they look like. It’s about reclaiming physical activity as something that belongs to you, something that enhances your life, rather than something that’s tied to external expectations.
I’d like to suggest a simple, creative activity that you can try to help you embrace and celebrate your body—a Body Acceptance Collage. This is a fun and meaningful way to express appreciation for your body visually, and it’s something you can do alone or even with friends or family.
Here’s how it works: Gather some magazines, photos, or printed images that resonate with you, as well as any other art supplies you might want to use—like markers, stickers, or colored paper. On a large piece of paper or poster board, start to create a collage that represents the things you’re grateful for about your body. This could include images that symbolize strength, comfort, beauty, or any other qualities that you appreciate in yourself.
As you work on your collage, think about all the things your body does for you every day. Maybe you include images of hands to represent your ability to create, or a heart to symbolize the love and care you give to others. There are no rules here—this is about expressing your own unique relationship with your body in a way that feels positive and uplifting.
When your collage is complete, place it somewhere you’ll see it regularly, like on your wall or your desk. Let it be a reminder of the love and gratitude you have for your body, exactly as it is.
Embracing and celebrating our bodies isn’t something that has to be reserved for special occasions—it’s something we can do every day, in small but meaningful ways. Whether it’s through creative expression, joyful movement, or simply taking a moment to appreciate all that our bodies do for us, we
have the power to shift our perspective and cultivate a deeper, more loving relationship with ourselves.
So, I encourage you to find what feels right for you. Try out the Body Acceptance Collage, explore joyful movement, or come up with your own unique way to honor your body. The more we celebrate our bodies, the more we reinforce the idea that we are worthy of love and respect, just as we are.
As we wrap up our discussion on body acceptance and radical self-love, there’s one more essential element I want to highlight: the importance of community support. While the journey to body acceptance is deeply personal, it doesn’t have to be a solitary one. In fact, having a supportive community around you can make all the difference in sustaining your progress and deepening your self-love.
We live in a world that often reinforces harmful beauty standards and pressures us to conform to unrealistic ideals. It can be exhausting to constantly push back against these messages on our own. That’s where a supportive community comes in. Surrounding yourself with like-minded people who share your values and goals can provide you with the encouragement, validation, and understanding that are so crucial on this journey.
Supportive communities create a safe space where you can be yourself without judgment, where you can share your struggles and celebrate your victories. When you’re part of a community that values body diversity and promotes self-love, it becomes easier to resist the negative influences that society throws at you. You’re reminded that you’re not alone, that there are others who understand what you’re going through, and that together, you can challenge and change the status quo.
In these communities, you can find role models, mentors, and friends who inspire you to keep going, even on the tough days. You can also offer support to others, which not only strengthens your bond with the community but also reinforces your own commitment to body acceptance. It’s a powerful, reciprocal relationship that lifts everyone involved.
So, how can you build or find a supportive community that aligns with your body acceptance goals? Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Join Online Groups and Forums: There are many online communities dedicated to body positivity, intuitive eating, and self-love. Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Reddit host groups where you can connect with others who are on a similar journey. Look for groups that resonate with your values and participate in discussions, share your experiences, and offer support to others.
- Attend Workshops or Webinars: Participating in workshops, webinars, or virtual events focused on body acceptance and self-love is a great way to meet like-minded individuals. These events often foster a sense of community among participants, and you can continue to stay connected with the people you meet long after the event is over.
- Look for Local Support Groups: In addition to online communities, consider looking for local support groups or meetups focused on body acceptance. These groups often meet in person and provide an opportunity to connect face-to-face with others who share your journey. If you’re comfortable with in-person gatherings, this can be a great way to build deeper, more personal connections.
- Create Your Own Community: If you can’t find a community that fits your needs, why not create your own? Start a small group with friends, family members, or colleagues who are interested in body acceptance. You can meet regularly to discuss books, share resources, and support each other in your journeys. Sometimes, the most meaningful communities are the ones we create ourselves.
- Follow Body Positive Influencers: Social media can be a double-edged sword, but if you follow influencers and content creators who promote body positivity and self-love, your feed can become a source of inspiration and support. Engage with their content, connect with other followers, and build a virtual community that uplifts you.
As you continue on your path to body acceptance, I invite you to take advantage of some free resources I’ve created to support you in this journey. If you’re curious about your relationship with dieting, you can start by taking my Free Quiz: What’s Your Dieting Personality? You’ll gain insights into your habits and mindset, which can be a powerful first step toward breaking free from diet culture.
Take the Quiz Here: What’s Your Dieting Personality?
Or, if you’re wondering whether your current diet is doing more harm than good, check out my other Free Quiz: Is Your Diet Causing More Harm Than Good? This quiz will help you assess the impact of your diet on your overall well-being and guide you toward making more intuitive, healthful choices.
Take the Quiz Here: Is Your Diet Causing More Harm Than Good?
Additionally, if you’re looking for tools to support your journey, I’ve created a series of Journals and Workbooks designed to help you explore your thoughts, track your progress, and develop a deeper sense of self-love. These resources are perfect for those who want to engage in daily practices that reinforce body acceptance.
Check out my Journals and Workbooks on Amzon.com
Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. There’s a whole community of people out there who are ready to support you, cheer you on, and walk alongside you on this journey to body acceptance and radical self-love. Let’s continue to lift each other up and create a world where all bodies are celebrated, valued, and loved.
Wow, what a journey we’ve been on today!
As we come to the close of this episode, I want to take a moment to recap some of the key points we’ve covered, so you can walk away with a clear sense of how to move forward on your path to body acceptance.
We started by discussing Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth and how societal beauty standards have historically been used to oppress women, keeping us focused on our appearance rather than our true potential. We talked about the importance of recognizing these harmful standards and the power in rejecting them.
Then, we explored the concept of radical self-love as described by Sonya Renee Taylor in The Body Is Not An Apology. We learned that radical self-love goes beyond traditional self-esteem—it’s about fully embracing and loving our bodies as they are, without conditions. We also shared a practical exercise and affirmations to help you start incorporating radical self-love into your daily life.
Next, we tackled the internal and external obstacles that can make body acceptance challenging, from negative self-talk to societal pressures. We discussed actionable strategies to counteract these negative influences, and I shared Rachel’s powerful testimonial about overcoming these obstacles and reclaiming her confidence.
Finally, we talked about the importance of embracing and celebrating our bodies, whether through creative expression, joyful movement, or other personal practices. I encouraged you to try out the Body Gratitude Collage as a way to visually express your appreciation for your body.
And of course, we can’t forget the crucial role of community support. We explored how being part of a supportive community can reinforce your journey toward body acceptance and shared tips on how to build or find a community that uplifts you.
As we move into the week ahead, I want to pose a challenge to you: Choose one action step from today’s episode that resonated with you, and commit to integrating it into your life this week. Whether it’s practicing the Mirror Exercise, starting your Body Acceptance Collage, or reaching out to a community that supports body positivity, take that step and see how it begins to shift your relationship with your body.
Remember, small, consistent actions can lead to profound changes over time. I encourage you to embrace this challenge with an open heart and mind and to be gentle with yourself as you take these steps.
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Say When! I’m truly honored to share this space with you and to be part of your journey toward radical self-love and body acceptance. Your presence here means the world to me.
If you found value in today’s episode, I’d love it if you could take a moment to share this podcast with your friends, family, or anyone you think could benefit from these messages. And if you have a few extra minutes, leaving a review would be incredibly helpful. Your feedback not only helps others find the podcast, but it also ensures that we can continue to grow and improve together.
By the way, some exciting things are brewing behind the scenes so stay tuned for updates!
The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf
The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonia Renee Taylor
Non-Diet Manifesto: My Philosophy for Reclaiming Body Sovereignty
Free Quiz: What’s Your Dieting Personality?
Free Quiz: Is Your Diet Causing More Harm Than Good?
Journals and Workbooks by Holly Toscanini
